Collect Burgers, Carry Fries

On leaving your mark, and also a vote about smells.

Hello Shareholders,

The 1990 song Enlightenment by Van Morrison opens with the lyrics “Chop that wood, carry water,” which is a reference to a verse in an eighth century Chinese poem by Layman P’ang:

No matter who tries to leave their mark,
The hills and dales are not impressed.
Collecting firewood and carrying water
Are prayers that reach the gods.

This is a kind of how it feels working at the hamburger restaurant, except that my regular tasks deal with burgers and french fries. I take orders, use the POS system, and collect fries from the freezer… over and over and over again.

I wake up at five in the morning, I put on my uniform, and I become an invisible cog in the mighty machine.

And while this is the literal embodiment of the term “McJob” there is something satisfying about the work. I like the speed of it and am continually impressed with the operational efficiency (in spite of noticing a thousand ways it could work just a little bit better). My contribution leaves no mark and I’m totally replaceable.

The individual “I” that is Mike is not useful, important, or even considered. Mike doesn’t exist at the hamburger restaurant. But when I take up my position at the drive thru, I become an invaluable member of the team. I am the finger that pushes the buttons, the voice taking orders, and the body carrying boxes of fries. I occupy the space required and perform the role of a crucial part of the operation, even as very little of “Mike” seeps out.

But last week I left my mark.

The drive thru station is right beside one of the hand washing sinks. It’s in almost constant use as people come on shift or change tasks. The sink has an automated towel dispenser, automated soap dispenser, and for some reason manual water knobs. One of the problems with how everything is laid out is that there wasn’t room to mount the soap dispenser above the sink, so it’s off to the side a little. Being an automated dispenser means that the soap is not always caught, and being off to the side means the soap lands on the floor.

For months this drove me crazy, and first in my mind’s eye, and then later in a sketch pad, I thought of a way to create a soap catcher by having a wire hanger held over the dispenser with a little chain leading down to a metal circle that could hold a small cup.

While on shift I would imagine going to the hardware store and then coming in early to install it. By the time my shift ended I abandoned the idea as I was overcome with the joy of going home.

But then, last week… there was some string hanging by the Drive Thru area left over from a promotional sign. I unravelled it, and measured it around the dispenser. I walked to the front and asked for a pair of scissors from the manager. I walked to the drink assembly area and chose an extra small cup. I used a thumbtack from the bulletin board to poke two holes in it. I stuck two paperclips (leftover from the bills for the cash drawer) into the holes and attached the string.

All of this was happening in fits and spurts between orders. I’d get one part done, and then have to stop as a little rush of cars came through the drive-thru, then I’d get back to it for a few moments. Eventually I finished it. My masterpiece…

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To Smell or Not to Smell?

There are two co-workers who noticeably “smell good.” One is a manager and when he walks by he leaves a pleasant invisible trail. The other is a co-worker I occasionally work drive through with, and standing side by side with him is more pleasant than most because he smells so nice.

I find the smell of both of them especially refreshing because it’s McRib season.

When lunch hits the restaurant fires up the McRib Sauce Cauldron and the smell is pretty overwhelming. The entire restaurant starts to reek of a Texas BBQ science experiment, an elixir of industrial food production. It’s not awful, but it’s not nice. When a co-worker with a distinct scent walks by it’s the odor equivalent of finding a nice patch of shade in the park on a hot summer day.

Should I wear a scent at work?

Earlier this year I worked with my friend Chloe Coover to find a signature scent for KmikeyM. Chloe is the co-host of Nose Candy, a perfume podcast, and she helped me come up with some options I was planning to put to a shareholder vote. The only problem was that there was a very clear winner.

Of the seven samples I tested the only one that worked was Copper from Comme des Garçons. Chloe’s notes for this scent, in relation to KmikeyM, were:

Cold, metallic, and reminiscent of coins, Comme Des Garçon’s Copper was the first fragrance that came to mind when undertaking this project. Masculine and grassy, in addition to its resemblance to currency.

And it passed the test of both Kathryn and a number of friends! With no contest to speak of the vote became more difficult to craft… I no longer needed help deciding which scent was the most KmikeyM. But now that I work in an industry with strong smells, the idea of an odor of my own is more appealing.

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Hamburger Business Review

Are you listening to Hamburger Business Review? You should because you own shares in me and you voted for it and it’s basically my whole life right now. I’m working at a hamburger restaurant, I’m reading about the history and impact of burgers, and I’m spending my little free time on making podcasts and videos about burgers.

Please subscribe to my newsletter.

So we’ve talked about supply chains, expired meat, price discounts, the limits of standardization, and the last episode was a deep dive interview with Kathryn about what it’s like to date a burger boy.

We also have these amazing editorial illustrations from Kriss Knapp for every episode and we’ve been diving into my work at the hamburger restaurant and Zach’s annual McTrot (new episode out tomorrow all about that!).

And I’ve been posting more to social media about everything (including YouTube Shorts). I’m making clips of the show but also doing reviews of hamburgers. For example, here are my thoughts on the Whopper:

I also have reviews of the Chicken Big Mac and the McRib and the burger at Larry’s Chili Dog. Doing HBR at the same time as working at the hamburger restaurant very much feels like I’m “doing my reps” and “shipping” as Patrick would say.

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This is my last update of 2024 and wow, it’s been a really weird year. Hopefully 2025 is just as weird but even more profitable! I dropped Kathryn off at the airport today for her trip back home for the holidays. I’ll be home alone until she is back, working at the hamburger restaurant and posting about HBR. Other than being on the Slack things will be quiet for KmikeyM until 2025.

Hope everyone has a great holiday season!

Profitably Yours,
K. Mike Merrill

PS: Don’t forget to cast your vote!